You're beautiful now, and will be later too

Have I got a story for you… 

I was up all night. For two nights in a row now. 

Yesterday I had such a fulfilling day. I recorded a new podcast episode all about the beauty in boredom and how your life opens up when you don't fill your time with self-avoidant behaviors. I’m not saying I’m not guilty of it but I’m finally awake to my aversion to boredom and how anxious it can make me. I love this episode. 

Then I had three client sessions that were just so life-giving. I felt so present and locked in with them and joyful to help them connect to their beauty, their essence… to smooth, soften and brighten their beautiful faces and bodies. 

When I got home I was so keyed up that I actually picked my face to come down. It’s been a while since I’ve done that but it still happens. I remembered that one of my face picking triggers is when something really great, or really challenging happens. It’s a way I used to self sooth and come in for a landing. So I had the familiar guilt and shame spiral afterward but I actually listened to my own damn podcast episode on skin picking and it helped me so much. It was also a much less dramatic session than would have happened 3 years ago so I see this as major growth.

Then I finally went to bed and woke up at 2:45 (for the second night in a row). I got out of bed to vox my friend Beth Manning. Voxer is a voice note app where you can walkie talkie messages back and forth. I was telling her how I realize that I’m really meant to help women heal their body image. Help them see their beauty, celebrate it, and heal themselves THROUGH the actions of self-care, luxury, beauty, sensory experiences and creating a life where they feel nurtured, loved and held. 

I realized that I don't have to be broken and in the sh*t all the time to help them. That I’m meant to inspire and show them how they can and will feel when they put themselves first. And I’ve spent so much time in the sh*t, that I know for sure in every aspect what it feels like and how dark and cyclical it can be. So I’m allowed to lead with my healed aspects, and guide them, knowing that I have enough experience to know what the f*ck I’m talking about. This is not fluff. I’m not sharing something I haven't cracked. But it IS A JOURNEY and we all need support. Now speaking of sh*t… 

I came back into the house around 5 am to take a much needed nap and my 19 year old cat, who has been having a hard time since December, pooped on the floor. I didn't see it. I stepped in it and tracked it all over the house downstairs. After half an hour or so of cleaning it up I tried to go back to bed. I eventually did only for him to wake Chris and I up by howling in the hallway. Poor guy, poor us lol. 

So I’ve been laying in bed all morning in a really rough head space. And I start feeling how tight my left breast implant is. I've been having some trouble with it. Sometimes it feels really obvious and sometimes I don't even notice it AT ALL. That's the odd thing, it's not consistent. It fluctuates with me based on my energetic and emotional state. I did some self energy work. I called on ALL OF THE LOVE IN THE UNIVERSE that is available to me and I moved it through each chakra, through each cell, into my energy field and I wrapped myself up in this soft foamy-looking baby pink light energy. I felt a shift. I felt held. But something was still off and it’s not just my exhaustion. 

I went on instagram and went down an explant + lift rabbit hole. To my surprise it actually didn't spiral me out or give me anxiety like I thought it would. I actually felt some comfort. I was seeing all these beautiful women happy and bouncy and living their lives. Talking about how sexy and self loving they are feeling. How proud of their scars, how their natural boobies fluffed out really nicely after surgery even though they’re smaller. And how the journey was a few years for them from the initial thought to explanation. I saw women who went through it and then just went on with their lives. I saw surgeons who literally only specialize in explants. 

There was empowerment. And you know what happened. I felt the urgency actually leave my body. I sat up in bed and saw my naked silhouette and then felt a pang of sadness because I actually really love my implants…

I’ve had them for nearly a decade and they have been so healing for me emotionally. They were a huge part of how I reclaimed my breasts after my reduction as a teen 20 years ago. And I realized I’m really not ready to let them go. The time isn't right AND THAT'S ALSO OKAY. I am allowed to love them still. But I also felt the uncomfortable feeling of “oh, these are not forever.” 

And here’s what this WHOLE message is about. I said to myself: “My breasts are cute now, and they will be cute later. Good now, and later”

What if the thing you’re stressing over just works out. We get to allow ourselves to love what is right now. I’ve spent SO much energy obsessing over my scars and I now realize I may have brand new ones in a few years lol but hey! At least I’m no stranger to them. They might even turn out more nicely than they did back then based on more advanced techniques. 

I truly feel that enjoying what is, right now, in the present moment is the foundation for all great things to come. For even more healing. You get to love and enjoy and appreciate your body as it is right now and still heal your relationship to food and watch weight begin to fall off. You get to love your boobies exactly as they are and still get that procedure you’ve been planning for 5 years. You get to appreciate your skin and all its sunspotty-broken capillary glory and still take the plunge and laser it. 

And of course, the Venus lifestyle is all about HEALING THROUGH PLEASURE. Through creating an environment of sensuality, presence, embodiment, peace. Of feeling held and loved. 

That's what it's all about, sister.