Your body image triggers are healing opportunities

Your triggers are opportunities. They’re indicators that yet another layer is here to be felt and processed, and healed. The key is to not resist it. To allow it to flow and process. To stop thrashing around in quicksand which only sucks you in deeper. To let this feeling rise and swell and feel like it’s going to rupture you. I promise you, it won’t… 

I got really triggered this morning. It’s been a while, and I also think it’s been brewing. I usually get revisited by old triggers in clusters. Suddenly my IG feed is triggering, movies are triggering and conversations are triggering all at once. It's no coincidence though. Once something is in your consciousness you bring more mirrors forward.  

This is hard for me to share (I have in the past but it’s really vulnerable so thank you for holding the space) 

Without giving you nearly 20 years of details, let me just say that my breasts have been a source of angst for me for a long time. I got a reduction when I was 16, some scar revision, and implants when I was 28. I’m now 35. 

I have spent years feeling I was too much, and then not enough, and then feeling like I had “ruined” myself and all emotions in between. 

The biggest triggers for me are when I see a woman with  large natural breasts who chose to own it. Who chose to live with it. Who chose to decide that her body is not the problem, that society and the fashion industry are the problem. Because for me that's who I wish I was at the time. That's who I aspire to be NOW but not who I was as a young girl. 

Sometimes I have so much compassion for younger me. For being so heavily oversexualized just for my body. Sometimes I feel rage for the teachers and adults who told me I need to change for everyone else's comfort and self-control. I feel rage for the men who made me feel unsafe with their eyes (I was just a kid when I developed) 

Sometimes I look back on my younger self and I can see myself as empowered for making a scary and difficult choice and sometimes I’m mad at myself for not being stronger. As if I could have known at that young age all the various emotional and physical repercussions that would follow. 

Even now when I see old men gawking at developed teenagers who are simply walking by, sometimes I fume. When men obsess over breasts in movies and media I fume. I feel a combination of sadness, sometimes jealousy and regret. Even still.

Sometimes I feel nothing at all about it and go days, months without having a triggering moment. These days I even ENJOY my breasts in their current state. I love their size, and I have even discovered a new level of pleasure and power in them that I never allowed myself to feel before. My typical state these days is feeling sexy and centered and free. And it’s important to remind myself of that fact.

All of this is to say that you can be deep into your healing journey and tiggers can still resurface. It doesn’t mean that you’ve backslid. It doesn't mean that you aren’t “healed enough” it just means that there are layers and that your soul is communicating with you. This is a fluid thing and I encourage you to appreciate the journey and see it for what it is. 

I realized what’s happening is that my trigger in this area is yet another form of perfectionism. It’s not about having the perfect body, it's sneakier than that. It’s about “having made the perfect decision.” To have had a 35 year olds mind and confidence level inside of a 16 year old person's brain and body. I give myself so much shit for not “knowing better.” for not having foreseen all the potential pitfalls. All I wanted at the time was to feel safe, and to feel seen and appreciated for who I was vs how I looked. For people to find me attractive and important and to notice ME vs my breast size. 

So here is what my 35 year old evolved self is going to do, and what I encourage YOU to do when you’re feeling triggered. 

~ I’m going to share what I’m feeling to take the shame out of it (thanks for reading). 

~ I’m going to give myself a healthy dose of understanding, compassion, and appreciation for who I am. My journey is my own. My body is my own. I get to decide what is beautiful and my story gives me richness and depth. It’s part of what has made me who I am today and I don't want to be anyone else. 

~ I’m going to OWN THE SHIT OUT OF MY BODY. I’m going to OWN it. Because what you don't own, owns you. How you think about yourself dictates how people think and feel about you. You set the stage for how you deserve to be treated. Leave no room for anything less.  

~ I’m going to ask myself “what do you need at this moment?” What kind of soothing, nurturing, processing? Perhaps movement, going for a walk to get some perspective, journaling, crying, allowing this energy to move through me vs staying stuck in my body and preventing me from functioning. 

~ Even as these words leave my fingers, downloading them onto the page I feel lighter. Knowing that my story ~ will offer healing to YOU. We heal together. Which is the reason I’ve opened up my schedule for one on one virtual support sessions. I’m here to help you navigate through all aspects of your beauty-image-healing-journey and return to the timeless self-sovereignty that you deserve.  

I’ve also created something SPECIFIC for people who are experiencing any kind of disconnection from their breasts for any reason, surgically or otherwise. It’s the breast embodiment massage workshop and you can gain access to that class as part of the Inner Beauty Circle Membership.