This used to be my play ground
When things that used to nourish you no longer do, the relationship isn't reciprocal, and something needs to shift.
This morning I woke up with ripping chest pains that I’ve never felt before. I’m currently watching the rain pound on the earth and release, and I hope that with it, some of this tension can leave my body too.
I’ve been begging myself to just cry for what feels like two weeks but the tears haven't been able to come other than a fine mist. I want to gush and process and let go but something keeps holding me back. I haven't been able to touch the root but I’ve been in a perpetual loop of frustration.
I don’t know how to share this without it just sounding like a winy rant. Lately I have felt instagram to be completely depleting. How is it that a platform that used to help me amplify my message and connect with beautiful souls has completely forsaken me?
For the most part it’s just crickets out there. I’m stuck in the 7-seconds-or-less matrix of constant consumption - and so are you. When all I did was dole out tips “here's how to fix your face in 2 seconds” IG liked me, fed me to the masses. I’m breaking out of that matrix because my soul can’t even. Those were always just tastes to get you into the deeper meaning behind it all.
How can we exist in this framework? How can we have meaningful conversations? This isn't a real connection, it's a pseudo-connection. A scrolling dopamine party without any oxytocin ~ which is literally why porn can be so damaging when misused. The initial hormone surge that results in emptiness.
I feel like I’m talking into the ether. Like I’m just hoping my message can cut through. Hoping that my gentle presence and sweet, loving, healing self-care practices birthed from years of disconnection & suffering can cut through the thick noisy static. I truly feel that these practices are literally life-saving, and self-affirming.
I know I’m being touch dramatic and that meaningful connections on IG exist. I've definitely experienced it and am grateful for the fact that I have been able to connect with so many of you. And I know that there are people who need my magic, my guidance, and I know that I have a deep purpose to serve and help women heal themselves. To help them heal their body image, their beauty image, their relationship to their femininity and help them shift their perspective on aging and existing, and knowing their INHERENT worth.
This is what I’m reminding myself: I just held a four week intimate women's healing circle called REFLECTION where by the last session we were all LITERALLY in tears because the transmission has shifted our self-image and reality SO much. Because there is SO much power in sisterhood, so much power in connection and sharing and breaking down the years of history of what we’ve learned it meant to be a woman. About sharing the deep dark, "shameful" aspects of ourselves and the things we have done in the name of beauty and striving to be "enough" ~ but not "too much"
Because we felt power in redefining what beauty means to us, in celebrating all we ARE and living from the highest vibration of our own unique beauty.
I can’t keep sharing my quiet subtle healing messages on IG without feeling like it’s just taking from me. Every post depletes me more and more until I shift my perspective of what it is I’m doing there. I need this work to nourish me equally. Maybe I'm not being bold enough with what it is I actually am here to share, here to say.
I don’t have a game plan for next steps, but this felt really necessary for me to share. I refuse to be discouraged by the garbage algorithm that thinks I’m not sexy or interesting enough to keep your attention. There is power in my subtlety, and there’s great power in yours too.
Thank you for listening, reading, holding space. If there is something that is depleting you, realize it's not YOU that is the problem. It's the system. And by speaking your truth about it, you reclaim your power.
Love, Krista