Hi beauty, 

So much is coming up for the collective in October to heal. We joke about how the veil is thin right now, but isn’t it the truth? Aren’t you feeling things 10 X as strong? 

You might be witnessing patterns you thought you’ve healed resurfacing in order for you to move even deeper… work through another layer that wasn’t ready to be seen, but is now (because your capacity to process has grown). 

It’s all part of your soul perfecting itself. A way for you to journey deeper into the aspects that are ready to be witnessed. To be held. 

Don’t force it. Let it be messy. Let it be confusing. It’s all in alignment. 

I had a rough weekend… I played a show with half of my band (just a duo) and it was CONFRONTING. I was feeling vulnerable, exposed, and we kind of created the set with some new songs on the fly. 

There were a ton of variables in the venue, playing a drum set I wasn't familiar with, a ton of energy circulating through the town as it was a huge musical event. 

I think I performed pretty well, sang pretty well, drummed pretty well… But I was being SO hard on myself. I was refusing to accept the compliments, the applause, the positive feedback. I was batting each of them away because I wasn’t feeling good internally. I was drowning in my perfectionism. And I wasn’t allowing myself to have much fun. I was robbing myself of the accomplishment, the adoration and kindness of my community. I had my priorities way backwards. 

I did a lot of journaling around it and realized that this was modeled for me by my father who was a musician. He would torture himself if he wasn’t PERFECT. If he wasn't a musical GOD in the eyes of all. And honestly he kind of was a musical god. 

This belief I had buried deep in my psyche finally came forward: “If I’m not perfect, then I don’t deserve love” (knife in the gut…. twist) 

Now I used to mostly apply this to my body. My body and my appearance were the things that I felt needed to be perfect. “If I’m perfect then love and safety and acceptance are guaranteed.” I’m grateful I don’t feel that way anymore… 

But this was a new level for me. Even though people were trying to love me, I was holding them at bay because I subconsciously didn't feel like I had earned it with my performance. 

Listening back on it I realized it went a lot better than it did in my mind (naturally). But even more importantly I have the opportunity to now make the decision that I’m enough. Not only am I enough, but I’m so fucking proud of myself for trying. For showing up, for stretching myself. For doing something scary. And for doing my healing work when I was confronted with a new layer. 

Our self love needs to come from an internal force. Our innate value. 

So all of this is leading to a little challenge I have for you. Please ~ consider it, and respond to this email and let me know if you do. 

Can you set a timer for 10 minutes, and list out all of the things you’re so proud of yourself for doing last week? To remind yourself of how amazing you are. How much growth is happening in your life. How well you’ve shown up even when it was challenging ~ ESPECIALLY when it was challenging? 

Sometimes we need to focus on all of what is special and wonderful about us for some perspective. 

Love you!